I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
