if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You ate ashes out of my bong
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
