I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
