Already got asked if we're dating
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
