if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize