my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
