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If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
