My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
