the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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