Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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