If that was your dad, he is hot
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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