Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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