you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
