you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
