I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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