that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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