Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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