So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize