so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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