thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
