Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
