I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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