I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
