just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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