Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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