shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
