just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
