life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
