I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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