Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
