i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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