My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
