areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
