i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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