You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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