Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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