I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
