How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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