Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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