she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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