I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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