I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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