Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
