turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
