There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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