While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Everclear isn't food dammit
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
