and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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