K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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