I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
