Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
