I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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