I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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