My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
