So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
