Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
