In the future we'll all be gay
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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