just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
