I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She bit a glass in half.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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